2026-07-10

I'm in Benfica in the Charquinho apartment but it's different and it's in the grandparents' building. Lu, the cleaning lady, is there and I'm about to leave and before I go I ask which key I'm taking and she's confused and asks, somewhat annoyed, if she's going to have to spend the weekend locked in her house again so she can give me the key later. I say of course not, that it's just a matter of arranging a time, because I can stop by to give her the key. She seems relieved by this.

I'm about to leave but then I start thinking that this doesn't make sense because now I have my own house and I don't need the Charquinho apartment anymore. I go back and tell Lu I don't need the apartment anymore and I don't need the key. She replies, a bit annoyed, that she was counting on my help on Wednesday, the same way she helped me. I ask what help she's expecting and she says she was told it was help taking out trash from the house. I'm shocked and I think that she helped me not from the heart but with an agenda. I think I'd rather not have accepted her help but at the time I really needed a place to stay. I say I'm going to talk to Mari, who owns the apartment, to understand what kind of help she is expecting from me.

Several things go through my head, including the fact that as a last resort I could cut Mari off, if she only helped me in exchange for something. I think how I paid to stay in the apartment, it wasn't charity and I don't have to keep paying with my time and energy.

Meanwhile we go to sleep, I say goodnight to Lu and here I realize she's black and that therefore it's not Lu but another maid. She turns off the lights but I can't sleep and I have the TV on. I keep moving around and I accidentally press the remote and increase the TV volume. I don't want to wake Lu up and I turn the volume down. I think that even with the TV light I might not be able to sleep but then I hear her breathing and realize she's already asleep. I keep thinking about the fact that now I have my own house and I wonder why I am still here in this apartment.

I'm at a Nova (University) event but it's now. I'm there with a friend and Zack is also there. I'm wearing a black suit, a bit masculine, that doesn't flatter me at all. I look at Zack and notice how he's become a man, quite attractive even. I don't feel sexy in my black suit and I feel shapeless and thin. I entertain the thought that maybe me and Zack would make a good couple but then I remember how traditional his values are and how that makes us incompatible. He's wearing a suit that looks expensive and elegant and he's completely integrated with everyone else.

Then I see a space between people and I decide to do some skating jumps. Some people around move aside a bit to give me space. My friend tries to pull me by the arm to leave but I still want to do a spin and I start gaining momentum but nothing good comes out. Meanwhile they announce the winner of the competition and it's some young Japanese people. I'm disappointed it wasn't me but not surprised because I know they were innovating with new movements and I'm still doing the same things I learned years ago.

Then we enter a sauna and I'm naked. I think I'm talking to a Japanese man and then I find a man wearing his beige boxers who seems a bit lost and we start talking. He asks if it's ok to be wearing boxers in the sauna and I say he can do whatever he wants, no one cares, that here it's not like in Germany. I see my own reflection and that's when I realize I'm completely naked but it doesn't bother me at all.

I find a small gluten-free bakery. I hear the lady explaining to a customer that there's a cake roll called “camuré” that has cream and that the flavor of the cream is balanced by pear and mustard. I think she says mustard but it gives me the idea of being stewed pear. I see that the price of each slice is €1.14. The lady has just brought out a new batch and quickly a huge line forms. I'm on the other side of the shop, which is just a square, and I think I could line up there but I see the lady only serving from the other side. I look at the line which is now huge, and tell the lady I was queuing on the other side. She smiles and says she'll serve me anyway. And then the line disappears.

I end up sitting next to the lady. We're outside the square at the counter. She's having dinner with her husband and says she doesn't know where everyone went. I reply that maybe they went to have dinner. She smiles as if to say she appreciates me trying to make her feel better but she doesn't really believe it. She asks what I want and I say the camuré. She says all the cakes are gluten-free. I already knew because I heard her conversation with the other customer. After a while she brings a chocolate roll and asks if that's really the one I want, that it's just a chocolate roll, and I say no, that it's the camuré I want. I ask her what else she recommends I try. She smiles and says I should come back on Wednesday or Thursday because she'll have a specialty then. She says to another customer that she should bring her son, the one who wants to be an interpreter in America. Meanwhile I'm thinking about what to buy for my pantry, and that there will be two holidays because of New Year's but that I could do the shopping now and store it in the pantry.

I’m with a group and we go to a huge house that belongs to someone one of them knows. I think it's the family home of one of them. I don't know them directly and I go because of my friends. First we stay in a house in the Porto area. I know we form groups and spend a few days in that house and then we take a taxi to another house, in the countryside, which is about 40 minutes from the one in Porto. This second house is in the middle of nature.

In that nature house I run into Adam. At some point he and another guy decide to jump down a high wall and Adam jumps in a dangerous way. I'm about to leave but I get curious and peek to see if he hurt himself. He's standing but rubbing his hand and says he hurt his wrist. I end up helping him and grab his hand to see the damage. Another guy says not to touch it, that I can't do anything and I reply irritably that he doesn't know what my hands are capable of. I think about the metal spoons I can bend but I don't say anything about it. Adam looks at my hands on his and comments how my hands are so small and delicate and that there's nothing I can do. That irritates me and I reply the same, that he doesn't know that. But he pulls his hand away whining and I think how unattractive a whining man is. He comes with me and two other girls. One of them likes him and is trying to get closer.

I'm about to leave when he asks if I'm hungry and I say I'm not very hungry but I could eat something. We follow him to a restaurant, a beach restaurant because that house is near the sea, and he slides on the bench and sits in the corner. I go ahead of the other girls, the one who likes him has gone to do something so she's not there, and I sit next to him. He keeps complaining and asks if he can put his leg on my seat and I say yes and his leg rests on mine. I notice that sitting all the way back on the bench I can't touch the floor with my feet and I think his legs are so huge that it would be better if he put them under mine. I know he keeps complaining about his pain and I end up stroking his head. He doesn't seem to register it. When we leave the restaurant he says he's leaving and I, who thought we had gotten a bit closer, feel like he's shaking me off, that he didn't even register that I helped him. That hurts a bit and I think I put myself again in a situation where I give to someone who doesn't reciprocate. I can see myself repeating the same pattern and that’s what stings. I say I'm leaving too, thinking that maybe at least we'd go part of the way together but he says he's going to Porto. That hits me like a bucket of cold water, I feel the pattern repeating, him getting close only to then leave abruptly and far away. I say ok and go pack my things. I notice that everyone from the group I came with has already left and I feel abandoned. I start looking for my things to pack my bag and leave but I can't find part of them. I pass by Adam in my confusion and he asks what's going on. I reply that I'm looking for my things and he asks if everything's ok. I say yes, even though it's not true, but I know he's useless and I'd only waste my time if I tried to explain. Meanwhile, realizing my group has already left, it occurs to me that what makes sense is to go back to the Porto house. I'm about to tell Adam that I'm going to Porto too when I see him already leaving in a taxi. It feels like a punch to the stomach, he didn't even say goodbye and I was still expecting some grace from him especially after I took care of him that day. I also think that now I'll have to take a taxi by myself and that we could have split it. I open the map to see if it's too far to take the metro. It's over half an hour to the nearest station and then I'd have to take the black line, the red line, and the pink line. I give up on the idea and know I'll have to take a taxi even if it's more expensive.

I find the rest of my things and then go back to the house to see if I find someone I recognize who's also going to Porto. I see a girl reading a book and she looks like she's from my group but when I get closer I see she's not. Then the waves start coming in strong and reach the garden of the property, the property reminds me of the grandparents’ beach house. I run so I don't get caught by the wave but it still gets my feet wet. I keep going up the slope that's part of the garden and the water comes very strong. I find a wooden structure that turns out to be some stairs and through there I can climb better and faster. Then I go back to the house through a higher wooden passage and down below there's a woman and two girls plus the girl who was reading. The woman looks at us and says she thinks that now only the people who live in the house remain and I raise my hand to indicate I'm not from here. She looks at me surprised but doesn't say anything. I think it's strange how she doesn't even have a sense of who lives here.